| Could I challenge or dare you to stay? |
[26 Jan 2008|04:07pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Cathy's Clown - Kelly Clarkson & Reba McEntire |
] |
So I haven't updated this in almost a year. Literally. I wish I had something substantial to tell. Some semblance of a social life that held countless stories of procrastinating weekdays and full weekends. The procrastinating weekdays I've got down, but the rest of it, not so much.
I don't see the 2 friends I have here at school anymore. The third friend, my roommate, is only going to be with me for another 4 months and then I lose her too. I really do try not to think about the end of this year, but whenever I'm alone in my room, or eat a meal alone I can't help but think about how that's how it's going to be for the rest of my time here at school.
Sometimes I feel like all I have is school work. No wonder I do so well, right? I can't remember the last time I went out. And it gets me every time when someone says to me, "Why can't you just go do something by yourself?" But they're wrong. I do stuff by myself. I do almost everything by myself. Why can't I have someone for a change?
Carolyn's cancer came back. Again. She had surgery this week and they finally had to remove some organs. She can't go to the bathroom normally anymore...she has to go in this bag-type thing. I asked my mom if that makes it hard to wear clothes because I couldn't gauge in my head how big this bag would be. She kind of laughed at my question and joked that she wouldn't have a problem but couldn't wear any bikini's. Carolyn loved wearing bikini's. I think that's how I remember her throughout most of my childhood. Sitting outside on the lawn or on the dock in her bikini getting tan and reading People magazine. She looked so different when she sat outside this summer; fully clothed and with this big hat on. But giving up bikini wearing is a small price to pay I'm sure.
I don't really talk about this with alot of people, because well, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mentioned it once to Anna and Julie, and if I do say anything at all it's kept casual. I can't let on how much I think about it or how scared I really am. I can't go pouring out all my worries onto people because they're dealing with their own stuff. I don't want to burden anyone.
This year is so uncertain even though it's only just started and that scares the crap out of me.
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| It's been 2 long months since I took a good look in the mirror |
[03 May 2007|10:43pm] |
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music |
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These are the Days-Sugarland |
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Why do I even bother trying when in the end I know it doesn't matter anyway? (tm: Just Missed the Train)
One of the worst feelings is when you're spending time with someone but you know they're distracted and thinking of a bunch of other stuff they'd rather be doing or a bunch of other people they'd rather be spending their time with.
I wish I knew why everything's so hard anymore. Getting up, accomplishing work, feeling happy. There are times when I'm happy because I feel like I finally have a real life...one filled with smiles and laughter and girl talk and hugs and movies and random adventures. But in the next instant it's like I was never even there, and I just silently watch those same scenes unfold with other people in them.
And I wish I could ask the questions I so desperately seek the answers to.
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| Everybody hurts sometimes |
[11 Apr 2007|03:41pm] |
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mood |
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broken |
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music |
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Martina McBride |
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Today has not been a good day. This year has not been a good year. I just need it to all be over. I fooled myself into thinking things could be better in college but things don't just go away. I can't win. I just feel so hurt and used and walked over. This entry doesn't make much sense, but I don't want to bore anyone with the full story. I need to find a hole I can crawl into and cry.
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| It never rained like it has tonight before |
[16 Feb 2007|11:19pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Rain-Patty Griffin |
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I know it's been forever since I've updated, and it'd be great if I actually posted something fun/entertaining/happy, but I need to write in here to keep me sane.
I feel like absolute crap. My roommate knows this because she said something to me about it earlier. And JUST as I'm about to put my pajamas on to go to bed (yes at 11pm on a Friday night) she goes to let her stupid boyfriend up! And now he won't leave, I'm tired, I don't feel well, I want to go to bed, and I might as well like freaking kill myself right now because she doesn't care and they keep looking at me and then continue making out. What did I do to deserve this? Why is my RA such an unhelpful person and didn't talk to her like she said she would? Why would I have to be the one to move out when she's the problem?
I am just really unhappy with my life right now. I've tried so hard to fix things but it's like there's no use. I'm just feeling really bad right now. I'm feeling useless, invisible, unwanted, unappreciated and just crappy.
Hopefully this will turn around tomorrow.
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| Make a pretty memory out of my disgrace |
[14 Jan 2007|10:08pm] |
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confused |
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Sunny Came Home-Shawn Colvin |
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Well, I'm back at school after my winter break. It was really nice being at home and seeing my friends. I didn't really miss school, but that's probably because it was a much needed and welcomed break from my roommate.
This semester I need to make a fresh start. I need to find a way to stand up for myself. It is something I have failed miserably at my whole life. I am always so afraid of the consequences and it never seems to come out the way I want it to. I'm always afraid of coming off bitchy when I just want to be heard, understood and possibly appreciated.
Meaghan and Tina are doing whatever they do now a days in our room and Meaghan's boyfriend called. She said that Tina was just getting ready so he could come up. And as Meaghan walked out the door she said to Tina, "I should really just make a copy of my key or something." They were totally acting like I wasn't here and that it wasn't my room too. And I have a bad feeling that won't be the last thing. I need to find a non confrontational, non nasty (or at least as little nasty as possible? I don't know) way to approach her if things keep getting worse.
I just got back here and I'm already on the verge of tears just thinking about everything. I just want things to be good. I want things to go well. I want people to want to be friends with me, unlike this past semester. I want my classes to continue to go well. I guess I want alot of things, probably too many things. Just have to keep praying I guess.
~Michelle
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| And I've heard it said too many times that you'd be better of |
[15 Dec 2006|02:13am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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Why-Kelly Clarkson |
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So let's just talk about how Gilmore Girls is describing my life and how I'm feeling tonight....
Lorelai: I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't...and I'm failing and I can't handle it. I just spend every minute running around, and working and thinking and I thought I would have help...and I can't do it all by myself"
Tonight sucked, it's 2:09AM, I just finished my english paper, but I lost the peer review comments sheet somehow that I need to hand in tomorrow with my paper, I almost passed out before, I don't feel well and I just want to go home :(
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| Someone willing to let me inside |
[13 Dec 2006|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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I Dare You-SHeDaisy |
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Yes, this is me not studying for my Oceanography final tomorrow haha I'm just taking a short break, I swear :p
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... DON'T CHEAT!
7. When you're finished tag some other people to do it!
--I'm going to add in my favorite line underneath just for fun haha
Opening Credits: Oklahoma-Texas Line by Rascal Flatts
Everything I love is there inside a little brick house on the Oklahoma-Texas line
Waking up: I Could Fly by Keith Urban
You gave me back the love I had, the faith I lost, and the life I knew
Falling in Love: Stand Back Up by Sugarland
I may stumble, yeah I might fall. I'm only human but aren't we all?
Fight Song: Misery by P!nk ft. Steven Tyler
Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me?
Breaking Up: Fancy by Reba McEntire
Just be nice to the gentleman Fancy; they'll be nice to you. Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down
Formal/Prom: Baby You Belong by Faith Hill
I knew you by heart like a familiar song. Every word is telling me that time has finally come and now here you are and I know for sure. Baby you belong
Life: Mississippi Girl by Faith Hill
That's just me chasing dreams
Mental Breakdown: Bringin' Da Noise by *NSYNC
Lose your mind let your body take control. You've got that feeling in your bones
Driving: Out of My Mind by SHeDaisy
The truth is so unkind. But I'm good when I'm out of sight, best when I'm out of my mind
Flash Back: The Best Thing by Savage Garden
You're so close. Where do you and where do I begin?
Getting Back Together: Timeless by Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini
In a whisper my heart says you know it too
Wedding: I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan
It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. We are screaming inside oh but can't be heard
Birth of a Child: Lost Without You by Pat Green
I'd still be lost without you
Final Battle: I'm a Survivor by Reba McEntire
With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I'm a survivor
End Credits: I'm Not that Girl by Idina Menzel
Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart
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| Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world? |
[10 Dec 2006|01:55pm] |
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mood |
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Bright Lights-Matchbox 20 |
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I'm sure I've done this before, but I wanted to post something fun...so I hope if anyone actually sees this that they leave me questions! :p So I can totally answer them instead of writing more of my papers :-/ haha Please and thank you :p
Directions: Ask me any four questions; no matter how detailed or random. I will answer the questions one-hundred percent truthfully. Ask more than four if you want. Then repost this and see what people want to ask you.
And totally unrelated on any matter, but I'm currently in my friend Megg's room from the down the hall doing homework with her and she randomly goes, "Michelle, I can't feel my leg..." hahahha I love her.
<3 Michelle
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| To those hints of you I'm clinging, now's when I need them most |
[28 Nov 2006|01:22pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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Still Holding Out for You-SHeDaisy |
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Aida tomorrow night, and I have 2 tickets but no one to go with :( I even asked people, but everyone's so busy. Which I completely understand, but it still sucks because I'll end up going alone. Caitie, I wish you were here because you'd go with me in a second :( You know you want to skip class tomorrow and Thursday, take a bus out here and go with me :( lol
Yeah, this week pretty much sucks. I have so much to do and no motivation. I need to come up with a topic and a source for the topic for my last English paper by tomorrow and I have no idea what topic to even start looking up :( It's a rebuttal essay, so we have to find some document or whatever that we strongly disagree with and write the paper obviously about our opinion of it using other sources and stuff. And I have lab in 2 hours which I hate :( Plus I have a math quiz tomorrow that I need to study for because I have no idea what's on it even though I should. Hopefully once I look stuff over it'll come back to me and it'll be ok. Then I have a meeting with my group for our Ed Seminar presentation on Thursday and I have no idea how I'm going to creatively incorporate music education into the presentation because like I don't have any instruments or sheet music or anything here. I just want this week to be over :(
<3 Michelle
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| Happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time |
[23 Nov 2006|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
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Life Ain't Always Beautiful-Gary Allan |
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
I hope everyone had a great day! My dad and I were going to go to the football game today, but it was postponed until Saturday. (Anyone still going on Saturday??) We didn't know that though until we drove past New Prov's field and it was deserted haha Oh well, stopped by church after that and at first it was a little awkward with just me, Mr. Hannig and Mike there, but then a few more people came and it was cool. It was really nice to see everyone and it hit me how I'd been so used to seeing these people 2-3 times a week for the last 4+ years and I hadn't seen them in months. It was especially great seeing Kate and Tanja. I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday and seeing everyone.
Yesterday I went up to GL and snuck into chorus...It was so great seeing Mr. M. He's the sweetest guy ever, seriously. Caitie, Ana, Karole and Emily were there too and it was fun catching up for a bit. I saw Ms. T, Mrs. Ladinski, Doctora Hammet *shudders*, Mr. McKinney, Mr. Ayres and Ms. Gentile. I didn't really get to talk/catch up with Mr. McKinney and Ms. Gentile as much as I wanted to, but it was still really nice to see them. Hopefully over Christmas break I'll have more time. After that I dragged Caitie with me to Ms. K's office and we hung out there. She's hysterical. While were there Caitie and I were like "Hey, let's call Jeanne" haha So we did and she was home so we drove to her house. Caitie and I hung out with her and Mr. Ross in their kitchen, and it was just like old times. I've missed her so much and it was so nice just to be back at her house. She gave us Apple Cider and it was so good haha I had so much fun hanging out with Caitie and it was so good to see her<3
Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Grace and I can NOT wait! I have no idea what we're doing, probably just getting lunch, but it's going to be so much fun just driving around in my car with her and listening to music. Which reminds me, I need to dig out the CDs she requested me to bring in the car lmao Then tomorrow night is Courtney's party, and it's semi-formal and I own like nothing that's formal or semi-formal and I guess I really should've thought about this beforehand, but of course I didn't. So I'm pretty sure I'll still go at least for a little while, but I have no idea what in the world I'm going to wear. Hopefully I'll figure it out. Then Saturday I'm getting my hair trimmed, except Tracy's off so she's not going to do it. I'm a little disappointed about that because I was really excited to see her, but Jen doing it is cool too. I can't wait until I get it trimmed again and then highlighted for the first time over Christmas break.
After dinner tonight we called Aunt Ellen and Uncle Ab, and Aunt Anne and Uncle Tom. When we called Aunt Ellen, they passed the phone around and we talked to Susan, Carolyn, Carley and Samantha. That was so exciting because that usually never happens and Carley and Sammy were so cute on the phone! I miss them so much. I can't wait until summer just so I can see them. Carolyn's apparently staying with David and Christy on Sunday and I'll be back at school on Sunday so I was like ahhh Carolyn you should come see me! haha But I know it won't happen lol That'd be so cool though. Maybe some other time. Talking to Aunt Anne was fun too. I really miss her. I think I'm going to either call her some time soon or write her and ask if she's busy in January and see if I can go up and visit them for a couple days again over my break. I'm doing a bunch of stuff over break, but it's mostly on weekends and stuff, and I'm sure I could go during the week again like I did last time. Well, as long as Shannon's home haha I need to email her soon too and see if they moved into their house yet. That'd be really cool to see, it looked gorgeous from the pictures I saw. I really miss them.
It's been nice being home, but I really miss the girls on my floor. It's way too quiet here with just me and my parents. I miss all the noise and craziness. I'm not looking forward to all the work that's going to need to happen when I go back, but it'll be so nice to be around people again. Despite all the hurt and drama that's happened in the last few months, the one thing I've loved most is being around all the girls all the time. There is always someone around or always something going on and I love it.
Look at me, updating my LJ so soon after my last entry! Hopefully I can get back into this habit again :) Again, I hope everyone had a great day!!
<3 Michelle
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[19 Nov 2006|02:51pm] |
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mood |
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CMT Giants: Reba McEntire |
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So it's been forever since I've updated, and I am doing this at Caitie's request because I <3 her :D
I'm 19 now and that's really weird to think about. I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all this past week because I thought I was going to be spending it alone. But, it was actually really nice. Alot of the girls on my floor made me cards, which really meant alot to me. Then Jen, Annie and Tina went to dinner with me in the commons, and after Jen and I went to the girl's basketball game. They're amazing and are 4-0 now which is exciting. I'm really glad I went and I'm looking forward to the next home game in December.
The best part of my birthday though was when Caitie and Grace called me <3 I had so much fun talking to them. Caitie, thank goodness we survived the tornado warnings ;) No one blew over wooo! hahahah I really miss them, as well as Emily, Abbie and everyone else. I can't wait to see them over break. I'm so excited for the football game, and we might even win again haha I'm looking forward to coming home Tuesday. My parent's are going to be here between 11:30 and 12 in the morning, and as soon as I change the sheets on my bed and get the car packed and say goodbye to whoever's around, we're leaving. So hopefully that means I'll be home between 5-6. Anyone want to hang out Tuesday night?? IM me or call me to make plans if anyone from home (coughCaitiecough haha) sees this :p
Then Friday night Sarah, Megg and Jackie took me out to dinner. That was alot of fun, though a little awkward since this group of drunk guys kinda latched themselves onto Jackie, Megg and Sarah. They always seem to attract the guys/new people, and I was just kinda there, but it was fun. They were so sweet to take me out, and it was fun to get kinda dressed up, but not really, and look nice for a change :) We took a couple pics and they're in my facebook album if anyone wanted to see haha
Other than that, nothing really has been going on. School is still going well, and I can't believe the semester's almost over, sort of. Hopefully I can keep my grades up and finish out strongly. I'm SO excited for winter break. Hopefully we'll have a SALT reunion and surprise Jeanne, Grace and I are going to see Chorus Line, I'm going to see Heather play basketball, hopefully I'll get to see Casey, and I get to SLEEP IN like every day!!!! haha It's going to be so exciting. Sucks that still seems kind of far away, even though it's not that far.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving if I don't talk to y'all between now and then!!
<3 Michelle
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| There's just some things only lonely understands |
[20 Oct 2006|10:02pm] |
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music |
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TV and the noise around me |
] |
If you're going to make plans with me, just to keep breaking them, please have the courtesy to tell me to my face that you really just don't want to do anything in the first place. Thanks.
I've been asking Sarah all week if we could go downtown so we could pick up the pottery we made and so I could go to CVS. She said she really wanted to go and we kept making times only to have her suddenly have something else to do. And I don't want to go myself since she said she wanted to come, so we could do it together. I really just want some company these days, is that so much to ask? But, she just went to CVS with Megan, after forgetting about me again today. She promised to come get me when they left for the Homecoming parade, but they left without me and were surprised when I finally found out where everyone was since I had no clue where to go or anything. Then they're going down to the HUB tonight probably for Swing Dancing, and they're going to be partners, so I'd just be a third wheel anyway, but they knew I wanted to go really badly. But last time they had Swing Dancing, no one would go with me.
I just want someone to hang out with, talk with, have fun with...It would make things so much better.
I'm so freaking lonely it's unbelievable. Things have just gone so downhill. I was pondering transferring today and yesterday, but I don't know if that'd make things better. I'm stuck and sad and confused and lonely. I wish I knew how to be ok with being alone 24/7. Eating meals alone practically for the last 2 weeks is one of the worst feelings for me.
<3 Michelle
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[16 Oct 2006|01:25pm] |
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music |
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And So it Goes-Billy Joel |
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My life has reverted to being just as boring and pathetic here at school as it was at home...fabulous. That's basically why I haven't written anything in here since I've been at school. I had a social life for like 2 weeks, but that's gone now because I guess they decided I wasn't good enough anymore. I'm still really hurt by it because now I'm back to square one, alone. But, Kim did this survey, I'm done with class, so I thought I might as well do it.
Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Music Match, etc). Put it on shuffle. Press play. For every question type the song that's playing. When you go to a new question press the next button.
( Random music fun )
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| Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong |
[03 Oct 2006|01:03pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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So Hard-Dixie Chicks |
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I've cried every day for the last week...I wish I knew how to fix things, and I wish I was all the things I'm not because whoever I am isn't cutting it anymore.
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| Don't forget to remember me |
[29 Aug 2006|09:48am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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Whatever song is stuck in my head |
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In a few hours I am FINALLY leaving for Penn State!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm slightly nervous, but I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited!!! I finally have everything packed, and thanks again Mandie for keeping me sane last night while I was doing it! haha ("Did your mom butt in again?" hahahaha good timess)
To everyone's who's already started college, hope it's continuing to go well!!!! To everyone who's just leaving or is leaving soon, hope y'all have a safe trip and move in goes smoothly!!! :)
The next time I write in this I will officially be at PSU and a college freshman!!!!! Where the heck have the last 4 years gone? Wasn't I just a freshman at GL and Kelly just won AI?! haha Bring on the next 4 years babyyyy!
<3 Michelle
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| Now I'm swimming in a sea of soul |
[01 Aug 2006|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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Sending a Note-Graham Colton band |
] |
Wow, look at me updating my LJ!!! *shocked face* I still want to post an entry with some pics in it, but for right now I'm actually going to write stuff.
I haven't really eaten anything today. Actually, I haven't really eaten anything in awhile. I don't really care that much anymore. I know that's horrible and stuff, but I'm just never hungry anymore. So I just don't eat. Figure if I don't eat, it'll help the whole weight losing process since I'm still on meds and even though I am trying to exercise, that still hasn't done a freaking thing for me. My mother constantly belitting me and pissing me off probably doesn't help either. I hate that I have this problem and I'm trying, really trying to fix things and I'm not supported in this at all by anyone :( My mother is so obsessed with this whole thing and her attitude about it is just wrong. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap.
I can't wait to get out of here. There's like nothing left for me here anymore. I found out my roommate, Meaghan yesterday. I hope I get to talk to her more before we move in on the 30th. She seems cool though. Thank goodness for facebook. I'm already making a couple friends at school. Hopefully I'll continue to make more. BRING ON THE FOOTBALL GAMES! Ahh how I love sports. Sean Paul is apparently coming to the Bryce Jordan Center and although I'm really not into his stuff at all, I thought it was kinda cool he was coming and I laughed haha Ahh how I love music too. Also, bring on seeing David, Christy, Emma, Nathan and Olivia more!!!!! I hope I'm not setting myself up for some big letdown hoping that I'm actually going to see them more often now that I'll be going to school up there. I told them I'd babysit for free, because I felt awkward asking for my own cousins to pay me to watch their kids, even though I really could use the money :-/ But if it meant being around them more often, I would do it for free haha
I know I had more to say, but it's escaped me at the moment...I'll edit it when it comes back to me :)
~Michelle
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| My Debris |
[18 Jul 2006|10:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 creative |
] |
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music |
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TV in the background |
] |
Yeah, so I just wrote this...it's certainly been a little while, but if you read this, I hope you enjoy it ♥
You held too tight
Then not at all
I cracked under the pressure
I tried to call out for help
But it was just too much
The words never made it
Buried somewhere
Never to be found again
Chip away at me
One piece at a time
Every word
Every stare
Just keep adding to the pile
Until there's nothing left
But my debris turned to dust
Slipping through your hands
You spoke too much
But never said enough
That should've made things clear
Nothing was ever
Going to make this better
I still kept waiting like a child
Hoping I'd hear what I needed
Wish I had known I should've known better
Chip away at me
One piece at a time
Every day
Every night
Just keep adding to the pile
Until there's nothing left
But my debris turned to dust
Slipping through your hand
Chip away at me
One piece, two pieces
Doesn't matter now
The pile will grow higher and higher
Filled with all the things I used to be
My debris turned dust
Trailing from your hand
~Michelle
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lilshell's journal
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